I’ve been off for the past two weeks. I’ve worked my three long days and have spent the balance of my days either sleeping or scrolling endlessly on the internet. I’ve not written, I’ve done some exercising but not as much as I had planned and have caught up on a handful of films that I’ve wanted to see for some time.
Ideally I would have exercise at least three times a day, written more, and caught up on more than just a handful of films. And TV shows. Did I mention TV shows?
I would like to change this tonight. I haven’t been able to right my sleep so I am forced to do my chores in the middle of the night. That’s not a bad thing, though. It allows me to do things in the relatively quiet and safe darkness, things I prefer. But it doesn’t feel normal.
Normal to me would be to get up during the wee hours of the morning and hit the pavement; get things done while the sun is out and people are mulling about. That is virtually impossible for me to do because of my current work schedule. I begin work on Fridays at 7 PM each week. Three days, twelve hours. My work week ends on Monday at 7 AM. I prefer it. What I don’t prefer is how my body decides how it wants to spend the rest of the week. It needs to change. I need to change.
Tonight, at 11 PM, I will head out. I will clean the house. I will head out to the 24 hr laundromat and get some clothes cleaned. While doing that, I will watch a movie or a TV show. I will shop for food. I’ll hit the gym before dawn. By 9 AM tomorrow morning, I will sleep. My life. I must stop trying to be “normal” because this is my normal. Trying to be someone who works 5 days a week and 8 hour days is not me. Never will be.
That is the truth.
Sunday. I’ve never been keen on being home on Sundays. I always feel like I should be as lazy as I can be on Sundays but there is clearly always something to do.
The Walking Dead is on. I put it on. It’s streaming on my computer as I write this. The third window on my computer is open to a social network I use often.
I don’t feel myself today. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. I sit beside a window overlooking a rural dirt road. Not many cars drive on it. It’s peaceful. I like it. There is no reason for me to move from my current position.
I noticed something recently and I’ve been keeping tabs on it. I noticed that I’ve been forgetting things minutes after they’ve come to mind. There are mornings when I’ve made coffee, poured it into a mug, added two sugars and milk to it and when I’ve gone back to the mug, I had forgotten if I’ve added sugar. I try hard to remember but I can’t.
There have been other instances. I’ve been driving and, all of a sudden, I am unsure as to whether I am heading to the office or heading home. It takes me what feels like an eternity to begin recognizing the route again.
With that said, I don’t know whether to be fearful of the prognosis or that I’m adjusting comfortably to this new state of being. I’ve built routines and have begun utilizing apps that help remind me of things. I’m still working on the Did-I-put-sugar-in-my-coffee-or-not thing. I’ll figure that out someday.
I’ve recently begun to travel. I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner but at the age of forty-five I am finally ready to embrace the world around me by visiting all sorts of places.
Alas, the reality is I only travel about a thousand miles south a few months at a time to visit my kids. I am weary of driving these days so this chore involves me reserving a place seat and renting a car. Not a whole lot of traveling going on, I’m afraid. Although I did go to Australia a little over a year ago. Just for a “few days.”
Everyone who knew I was going for a “few days” thought I was nuts. I wasn’t nuts. Best trip I ever took and will probably remain that way for the rest of my life.
The best trips always involve love.
When I used to bail on school (which was rare) I used to end up at the American Museum of Natural History. I was a dweeb. I still am a dweeb. I love it. It hasn’t changed much since I was a kid either.
I guess in a way I’m bailing on the present by visiting here today. As much as I enjoy being at home or being close to home I need to get out from time to time.